Headline Gems

Once in awhile, you find a headline that seems to stand out from the rest. Here are some of these rare gems:

Duck Reportedly Scared of Water
Farmer: "It never went with the other ducks to swim in the river."

Woman Sues After Police Mistake Her For a Man
"I want compensation for the misery and hurt this caused"

Maine Anchor Gets Hate Mail For Palin Resemblance
She's "generally flattered."

Man Passes Gas, Charged With Battery On Officer
Cop: "Odor was very strong."

Hospital Tells Grandfather, 71, That He's Pregnant
Retired man "had sought help for agonizing abdominal pain."

Robber Caught Because of Large Bottom
"Witnesses identified her by her big backside."

Fan-Baiting Tutorial

Here's another form of baiting you can try from your own home, just for fun. Find a comment section on any web news page that seems to be getting lots of action or controversy. Then inject a comment that is odd or out of place to see if anyone notices. For an example, go here and scroll down to the entry labeled 'dwight / 8:29 a.m.' (Apologies to you sports aficionados)

Hmm. Nobody noticed. These rabid sports zombies are too preoccupied with post-game ranting. The goal of baiting is to get noticed and get a reaction. So it's time to mix odd with a little personal attack. I submitted the following :

Dwight says: "Bottom Line: MORMON MAFIA. All insiders know you get a handsome payoff to lean your calls towards BYU when they are playing...OR ELSE. I had an uncle who kept calling penalties on BYU and we have never seen him again. BTW, do any of you guys have jobs or like girls?"

Dang-it. Rejected by the moderator. Did I fail the "Any comments found to be abusive, offensive, off-topic, misrepresentative, more than 200 words or containing URLs will not be posted" test? Dwight tried again the next day and got in! (scroll down to Dwight's entry here). Now we just sit back and wait for the smack down.

Later...

Wow. It's been a few days and no fan-wrath. Just a kindly, older-brother-type "now, now Dwight...", and then on-going pep rally jive and analysis. Then the comments drop off as the story has faded out of the news cycle. Then it hits me. I'm trying to provoke BYU fans! What am I thinking? All I'm going to get there is forgiveness and tolerance! Next time: Scrap-Bookers!

To Cote d'Ivoire With Love

Ever heard of "scam-baiting"? It's when you actually respond to those emails from Nigeria (or other African regions, usually filled with some sappy story in broken English requesting help moving money) and try to waste their time leading them on. I don't have time for such shenanigans, so I thought I'd try to decisively settle a blossoming relationship that begun today when I received the following email:

From: pascal zadi Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2008 4:32:54 PM

Hello Dear
I am happy meeting you,
My name is Pascal Zadi I hope this mail finds you well & healthy and i hope we can established a relationship since we are meeting for the first time,i have gone through fasting and prayers asking God to lead me to a trust worthy person who will help me with this transaction and it interests me to contact you aftter my prayers for an assistance to help me transfer this Sum of 10.7 Million USA dollars my father deposited in a bank here in Cote d'Ivoire before he was assasinated.i like honesty,trust,love,truth,caring,& respect,i have all this qualities in me and i believe you have all this qualities too, that is why i decided to contact you for this transaction,i will like you to contact me as soon as possible through my private email so that we can know ourselves better. you can as well call me on phone (00225 6634 7640) Thanks and hoping to hear from you soonest

Pascal Zadi

Here is the response I sent:

Hello Pascal,
I am happy meeting you as well. Thank you for considering me for your financial transactions. I am actually quite honest, caring and respectful, especially when it comes to my own family. This is really a wild coincidence, but as much as I would love to assist you with your inheritance (I'm assuming I would receive a "handler's fee"), I have a bit of a confession to make (I am, after all, honest). You see, I was in the Ivory Coast recently and I...well, this is rather awkward...I...killed your father (a Mr. Zadi, right?). Please understand, it was nothing personal, I was just carrying out my employer's orders. Please accept my sincere condolences and I hope you find someone as equally caring, honest, and trusting as myself (but without a conflict of interest) to help you with your problem. May I suggest an associate of mine, Mr. "Shells" O'Rourke (shells@exterminators.com). He covers our Near East region and would be happy to help you.

Cheers,
Malky